the lost and found (or rather the lost and the more lost)

Sunday night I had an odd and very disconcerting evening, and I can’t seem to shake the residue its left on my heart. I attended a 4th of July BBQ at S & B’s house, my friends who are like my family. Over the years I have met a number of their couple friends at various parties and get-togethers, and several of these couples were in attendance, as well as some new friends. When I say couples, I really mean family units, since most of these couples have been married for a decade or more and have pre-teen and teen-aged children similar to S & B. Two different couples caught my attention almost immediately since their unhappiness was so evident; actually it was the men who appeared to not be happy. With one couple it was very obvious; the male counterpart of the couple was surly and just seemed lost. His wife was too helpful, too happy, and ignored her husband. They didn’t sit together, or interact in any way, and if you didn’t already know that they are a couple it wouldn’t be apparent at all from their interactions at the BBQ. The other family unit that I noticed were much more subtle in their unhappiness. They sat together and on the surface seemed okay, but then there were the cryptic messages the husband would blurt out. Nothing that would seem too odd, but the realization dawned on me that night that the passing comment B had made about friends who were heading to a divorce included them.

Although it made me very sad, seeing these two dissolving family units by themselves wasn’t the thing that disturbed me the most. There was also a new family who came, neighbors from across the street. The husband and wife with their two daughters, in my estimation were a beautiful family. I was informed in the introductions that the oldest daughter, probably about 15, is going to baby-sit T, S & B’s youngest child. Charming, witty, and full of smiles the family unit seemed perfect; that is until Tyrone started to touch me, or rather my arm. (Yes, I’m dispensing with anonymity for the moment!) Touching me one time, in the course of telling a funny story is excusable; twice, one more time during another story, understandable maybe… but three times! with the third being a full arm extended rub up and down to comfort my lost ability to perform in front of a crowd is anything but normal! The sad thing is there was a sick-and-twisted part of me that was flattered by his touch; don’t get me wrong; there is nothing I did to encourage the attention at all! But although there is never any part of me that would ever think an affair with a married person is okay, I still was taken by Tyrone’s charm. However, after the moment of attention has subsided, I still can’t shake the “woe-is-me-always-the-bridesmaid-never-the-bride!” feeling that continues to leave me restless. Still the larger disturbance, from the weekend BBQ, is my wonder at how any man stays faithful and monogamous in any relationship without becoming dead inside?